ss Behaviour management in children - help with child discipline

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Behaviour management for children under eight

Bringing up children can be the most rewarding and fulfilling job in the world but it is also the one for which many of us are least prepared. For many parents trial and error is the usual way of learning and it can be difficult to cope with behaviour that is challenging and constantly pushes you to the limits. This factsheet covers some of the most common areas of concern to parents and offers practical ways to help.

How can I help my child�s confidence when meeting people for the first time?

Even talkative, sociable children sometimes become shy when meeting new people for the first time. Try not to make your child feel bad if he doesn�t want to rush in immediately, just introduce him to the other children and let them sit with you until they feel ready to join in. Bring them gently into a conversation, but don�t do it by poking fun or embarrassing your child.

How can I stop my child biting his nails?

Habits such as nail biting, hair twirling, thumb-sucking and nose picking are common and stop naturally in most children by the time they reach junior school. If you are worried, you could try the following tips:

Calmly explain to your child why you don�t like the habit. Don�t make up scary stories about the consequences of nervous habits. In the same way try not to lecture, scold or punish your child.
Try and remain positive for example saying �let�s see if we can let your nails grow� is better than �don�t bite your nails�.
You can also try a reward system, such as awarding stars that accumulate for a special treat.
For girls you might consider using coloured stickers or painting nails to motivate them to leave them alone.
If all else fails, try a bad tasting nail paint, specially formulated to put children off biting their nails. These are available from most chemists.

My child has nightmares. What can I do?

Lots of children have needless fears and this is a normal part of growing up. Try and listen carefully to your child when they tell you about their worries, even if it sounds silly to you. Sometimes it may help your child to play along with the story and help your child to come up with a plan to tackle the �nightmare monster�. For instance, search the room with your child to check that no monster is present. You could also describe a nightlight as a monster trap device to keep monsters away.

Adding to your child�s fantasies doesn�t always help though and you may need to limit fantasy stories and television programmes to well before bed instead of fuelling your child�s imagination.

A restful environment can be another key to helping avoid nightmares and poor sleep patterns. Choose restful colours, such as pastel colours and avoid too much clutter in the bedroom.

In all of these situations it helps to be patient and reassuring at all times to minimise anxiety.

My child tells lies. What should I do?

The first thing to remember is that this is a normal part of a child�s development. Most children tell lies at some stage and for a variety of different reasons. Experts divide these lies into four main types which are:

Exploratory lying is done just to see how you will react. A gentle reprimand may be sufficient when they are very young.
Bragging lies involve your child telling exaggerated stories, such as how they can run faster than anyone else in their class, or has more toys than anyone else. Although bragging is mostly harmless, you can discourage your child from exaggerating by reminding them of their real achievements. Try to avoid making fun of your child if they keep telling bragging lies. Their real problem is lack of self-esteem, so help them build it up by finding things they are good at and praising them.
Fantasy lies are when your child mixes up reality with make-believe to make every-day life more exciting. For example, your child may claim to have an invisible friend. You usually don�t need to stop your child doing this, it is just a normal phase of their development.
Cover-up lies may be told by your child in order to avoid being punished and as they get older they may become more accomplished at it. Since this type of lying is a deliberate attempt to mislead, it is the sort that many parents worry about the most. The tips below should be useful in discouraging this form of lying:

stay calm and remember your child may be genuinely confusing fantasy with reality. This is most likely to be true if they are under six.
remind your child that if they tell you the truth you will be impressed and the punishment will be less as a result.
explain why it is wrong to tell lies and use examples of how it has got people into trouble in the past. Read them The Boy Who Cried Wolf or Pinnochio.
aim to make punishments reasonable. If your child is too afraid of the punishment they will be more likely to lie in the future.

My child sometimes steals things from my room or my bag. Is this serious?

It is quite common for children up to the age of eight to see something, such as some sweets, chocolate or money, and take it hoping that no one will find out. These actions are nothing to worry about as they are just the result of your child�s strong desire to have something while lacking the social inhibitions, which prevent most adults from stealing. It is probably best not to punish your child for doing this but to explain, clearly and calmly, why this is not acceptable and make them return it. The chances are that she will stop this behaviour very quickly.

How can I discipline my child fairly and lovingly?

Studies show that parents who adopt a consistent, positive approach to discipline tend to have to punish their children far less than those who adopt a very permissive attitude or, alternatively, those who are too authoritarian. You cannot expect your child to never do naughty or unacceptable things, but here are some tips to help reduce this type of behaviour:

Build your child�s self-esteem by letting them do things on their own, such as getting dressed.
Reassure your child that you love them even when their behaviour has been unacceptable.
Praise your child when he or she does something good. This will encourage more of the behaviour you want to see.
Be consistent in the way in which you discipline your child. Set clear limits and stick to them so that she knows what you expect from them.
No matter how busy you are, try to spend time with your child playing or doing things together. A child who is not getting enough attention from their parents often misbehaves to get noticed.
Children copy the behaviour of their parents so always try and lead by example. For instance, if you want your child to have good manners, make sure she sees you being polite to others. Take the time to explain your reasons for requesting certain behaviours, rather than resorting to �because I say so�.
Aim to be flexible with your parenting. For example, if your child is always naughty when you take them to the supermarket, try going on your own in the evening when your partner or a relative or friend can have them for an hour.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent (or the perfect child). It will save you a lot of emotional turmoil if you can learn to accept that you are going to make mistakes and that you find some areas of parenting harder than others. Don�t be too hard on yourself - learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes.

August 2001



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