|  health information  |  health factsheets

Print-friendly version

Bullying

Many children’s lives are made miserable by bullying. Being bullied may wreak havoc with your child’s self-esteem. Sometimes it leaves life-long emotional scars.

What is bullying?

Bullying is any behaviour which intends to hurt another person physically or emotionally. It includes not only the more obvious actions like punching and kicking, name-calling and teasing, but also spreading rumours, pointing out physical handicaps, shouting racial taunts, excluding victims from groups, humiliating, or spreading stories that a child wants to keep private.

The effects of bullying

A bullied child may:

• become withdrawn, or insecure
  
  
• feel guilty that they have brought this on themselves - perhaps that there issomething wrong with them rather than the bully
  
  
• occasionally feel suicidal or even try to commit suicide
  
  
• try to harm their tormentors.
  
  
• crying before sleep
  
  

Young children almost always tell you when they are being bullied; older children rarely do. Being aware of signs that could mean your child is being bullied will help you both. If he or she is being bullied, your child may:

• be reluctant to go to school, or take a different route without a plausible reason
  
  
• begin to bully his siblings and their friends
  
  
• become aggressive, rude or disobedient
  
  
• cry himself to sleep, wet the bed or have nightmares
  
  
• find it hard to work at school
  
  
• stop eating
  
  
• start to stammer
  
  

Also watch out for

• missing or damaged equipment, clothing, or personal possessions
  
  
• frequent ‘lost’ money
  
  

Who is a bully?

There are many different reasons why children start bullying. It could be because they have personal problems and don’t know how to express their unhappiness; sometimes they are being bullied themselves. There’s also another sort of bully: the over-indulged child who has been used to getting his or her own way, often through bad behaviour.

Bullies are usually children who feel inadequate, have low self-esteem, or who aren’t allowed to, or aren’t able to show their feelings. A bully has often been a victim of bullying and knows, through experience, how to make victims suffer. Bullies are commonly unpopular amongst their peers, although they are often surrounded by a group who stay with them in order to avoid being bullied themselves.

Sometimes the bully is not a child. This can be a difficult situation for everyone to deal with, but the principle remains that children should be supported in talking about this to a teacher or another responsible adult whom they can trust.

Who gets bullied?

Bullies pick on children who are fun to hurt (because they react to it) or who seem to be easy prey (perhaps because they are smaller, weaker or have something different about them). Children who are bullied often have low self-esteem and desperately want to be liked.

Some self-confident children often do not allow themselves to be bullied. Teaching your child to act assertively may help her from becoming a victim of bullying.

How can I talk to my child about it?

Even when there is no sign of bullying, it’s good to slot regular ‘chat’ times into your week when you can sit down with your child. Then, if a problem does crop up, the time and place to talk about it are already established.

If you think that your child is being bullied, ask him or her directly, but don’t be surprised if they deny it initially. Let them know that you are there when they want to talk.

Reassure your child that it’s not their fault. Explain that it happens to lots of children and together you can work out ways to stop it happening.

Listen actively and non-judgemen-tally. Your child should be able to speak freely and believe that you are taking him or her seriously. Keep the information confidential until it’s agreed that you should take it further.

How can my child overcome bullying?

One of the best things that you can do is to help your child find strategies to deal with the problem. For example:

Bullies pick on children who are alone, so can you encourage your child to make more friends and to bring them home? Think about his interests and any different groups he can join.

Work out ways with your child to avoid the situations where the bullying occurs. It’s better that you don’t become too protective - by driving him to school, for example, instead of taking the bus. Bullies may see this as a sign of weakness. Instead, talk about how he can protect himself by staying around plenty of people, and making sure that he isn’t the last to leave a room.

Try a role-play of what has happened, you as the victim, your child as the bully. Show him how to respond calmly and firmly.

Show your child how to walk away without reacting, time after time - that way the bullies may lose interest. However, you will need to emphasise to your child that this strategy will take time and patience.

If the bullying includes physical violence, encourage your child to get away rather than hitting back - this may make things worse.

Advise your child not to give sweets, presents or money in an attempt to ‘buy off’ the bully - these deals can only escalate. Have your child practise saying ‘no’ and walking away.

Support your child in reporting the bullying to other responsible adults. This could be teachers, youth club leaders or other parents. If the bullying is happening at school, see our leaflet ’Bullying at School’ for more advice on how to work with staff to solve the problem. In the long term, you will need to rebuild your child’s self-confidence.

What if my child is the bully?

Talk to your child. Find out what has happened. Offer to talk to the victim’s parents and school staff, if the bullying has been happening at school. But do not defend him. Even if he was not the ringleader, the fault is still his. Explain to him how bullying makes its victims feel.

Find out why your child has been bullying. You may need to spend more time listening and trying to understand his thoughts and feelings. If you feel you need professional help dealing with this, ask your child’s school for a referral to an educational psychologist.

Both bullies and victims need help to regain their confidence and self-esteem. Whichever side of the bullying ‘coin’ your child is on, their behaviour and their approach can be changed with the right support, advice, patience, and plenty of perseverance.

Further information and help

Childline:
Telephone helpline and factsheets onissues affecting children
tel: 0800 1111
www.childline.org.uk


Kidscape:
A charity that offers training, resources helpline and leaflets for dealing with bullying.
Write to:
2 Grosvenor Gardens, London
SW1W 0DH
Helpline for parents open Monday -Friday, 10am-4pm:
tel: 020 7730 3300
www.kidscape.org.uk

February 2002

		Feedback on this factsheet Rate this factsheet Have you found the information in this factsheet helpful? Do take a couple of moments to give us your feedback. Click here to give us your feedback

		Information you can trust We use expert sources of medical information to research all our health information and it is checked and approved by medical professionals. Find out more about how we produce our health information

email a friend

bupa.com  | website legal notices  |  cookie policy  |  © Bupa 1996-2007  |  accessibility  |  contact us

back to top