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Improving assertiveness

Published by Bupa's health information team, February 2008.

This factsheet is for people who would like information about improving their assertiveness.

Assertiveness is an attitude and a way of relating to the outside world, backed up by a set of skills for effective communication. To be truly assertive, you need to see yourself as being of worth and as having a right to enjoy life. At the same time, you value others equally, respecting their right to an opinion and to enjoy themselves.

About assertiveness
How to improve your assertiveness
Benefits of assertiveness
Questions and answers
Related topics
Further information
Sources

About assertiveness

Being assertive allows you to engage respectfully with other people, whilst also respecting your own needs. It ensures that you don't feel taken advantage of.

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to say something, but didn't, in order to avoid having a row? Or perhaps you got so angry that you said something you regretted afterwards. These are examples of where assertive communication would have helped.

At certain times, most people find it difficult to communicate honestly, directly and openly with other people. There are two other main ways of relating to others: being passive or being aggressive.

Assertiveness involves being clear about what you feel, what you need and how it can be achieved. This requires confident, open body language and the ability to communicate calmly without attacking another person. Assertiveness also involves:

saying "yes" when you want to, and saying "no" when you mean "no" (rather than agreeing to do something just to please someone else)
deciding on, and sticking to, clear boundaries - being happy to defend your position, even if it provokes conflict
being confident about handling conflict if it occurs
understanding how to negotiate if two people want different outcomes
being able to talk openly about yourself and being able to listen to others
being able to give and receive positive and negative feedback
having a positive, optimistic outlook

Passive behaviour

When someone doesn't know how to express themselves assertively, they tend to resort to passive modes of communication in an attempt to punish or undermine the other person. They may use sarcasm, give in resentfully, or remain silent at their own cost.

Aggressive behaviour

One of the myths about assertive behaviour is that it involves being aggressive. This isn't true. Assertiveness involves clear, calm thinking and respectful negotiation within a space where each person is entitled to their opinion.

Aggression involves bottling up feelings which eventually explode, leaving no room for communication. By being aggressive, we put our wants, needs, and rights above those of others. We attempt to get our way by not allowing others a choice. Where assertiveness tries to find a win-win solution, aggressiveness strives for a win-lose solution: I'll be the winner; you'll be the loser.

Why improve your assertiveness?

Lack of assertiveness can affect your relationships and quality of life, as you fail to communicate effectively and end up not getting what you want. Family life, career prospects and stress levels can all be affected by lack of assertiveness.

By looking carefully at how you communicate with others, there are a number of ways in which you can begin to assert yourself, helping to improve your quality of life.

How to improve your assertiveness

Body language

An important part of assertiveness is open, secure body language. The way that you hold yourself has an impact on how you are perceived and treated. Passive body language would be the classic "victim" stance of hunched shoulders and avoidance of eye contact, while an aggressive stance is one with clenched fists, glaring eyes and intrusive body language.

Assertive people generally stand upright but in a relaxed manner, looking people calmly in the eyes, with open hands. A good first step to becoming more assertive is to consider your own body language through practising different types of body language (role-playing).

With a friend, or in front of a mirror, try different types of posture and body language as you imagine being the aggressor, the passive "victim" and finally an assertive person. See what it feels like to change from being in a passive or aggressive stance to using assertive body language. Just standing in a confident, calm way can feel empowering.

The next time you talk to someone, try to watch yourself:

where are you looking?
how would you describe your body position?
is your voice clear and confident?

Communication

Clear communication is an important part of assertiveness. This is where you show:

knowledge - you are able to understand and summarise the situation
feelings - you can explain your feelings about the situation
needs - you are able to explain clearly what you want or need, giving your reasons and any benefits to the other party

Assertive communication

It isn't just the content of what you say that counts; it is the way you put it across. It helps to:

be honest with yourself about your own feelings
keep calm and stick to the point
be clear, specific and direct
if you meet objections, listen to the other person's point of view whilst ensuring that your message is clear
try to offer alternative solutions if you can
ask, if you are unsure about something
if the other person tries to create a diversion, point this out calmly and repeat your message
use appropriate body language
always respect the rights and point of view of the other person
own your messages by using "I" - for example, it's more constructive to say "I don't agree with you" than "you're wrong"
remember, you have the right to make mistakes and so does everyone else

Practising

With a friend, practise being assertive in certain business situations, such as refusing to take on extra work, or giving constructive criticism to a colleague. Explain the scenario to your friend. Using role-play, go through the situation, making your points clearly with your friend responding as the other person. For example: "I'd be delighted to help you with that piece of work, but we'll need to agree what other current projects you don't want me to do, because I won't have time to do them all."

Afterwards, ask your friend to tell you what went well and where you could make improvements.

Try the situation again. Then swap roles to see the other person's point of view.

Once you have practised being more assertive, think through your new techniques before entering a situation that requires assertiveness. Imagine your body language, work out how to deliver your message clearly. Imagine how you will react to any possible responses.

Assertiveness training

Your local library will have details of classes available and most adult education institutions offer courses in assertiveness training. These groups tend to vary in approach and in the skill of the teacher. It's a good idea to find out how experienced the teacher is beforehand.

Counselling or psychotherapy

You may find talking to a trained counsellor or psychotherapist useful if you have tried to improve your assertiveness but still find you are acting in a mostly passive or aggressive way. If you think past experiences are having a negative influence on the way you behave, it may help to talk through these experiences.

This may bring back painful memories of unpleasant experiences you have had, but it can help you to understand why you act as you do. It will help you to think differently about yourself and to have positive, assertive behaviour. You may also find cognitive behavioural therapy useful. This is a therapy that involves helping you to overcome unhelpful patterns in the way you think and behave, including aggressive and passive behaviour.

Benefits of assertiveness

Although it can be daunting to start behaving more assertively, you will find that it has many benefits. When you act in an assertive way you communicate better and command respect. This can improve your relationships - both at home and at work.