Bereavement Q&As
Published by Bupa's health information team, November 2009.
Answers to questions about bereavement
This section contains answers to common questions about this topic. Questions have been suggested by health professionals, website feedback and requests via email.
- What practical issues do I need to deal with?
- What happens at bereavement counselling?
- How can I find a bereavement counsellor?
- How long will I feel like this?
- I can't seem to move on - could I be depressed?
What practical issues do I need to deal with?
If someone close to you has died then there are also many practical issues to think about, especially if you are the person's next of kin. This includes obtaining the death certificate and arranging a funeral.
Explanation
If you are someone's next of kin, it's important to be aware of the practical issues that you need to take care of, as they will fall to you in the event of that person's death.
The most important thing to do after someone has died is to obtain a death certificate. This is usually released by the doctor who has certified the death. In hospital this will be the Patient Administration, or it may come from your GP if the death has occurred at home. If there is uncertainty about the cause of death, a post mortem examination may be necessary. Occasionally, hospitals request post mortem examinations for educational purposes. You are entitled to decline this request, but a post mortem will be compulsory if the cause of death is uncertain or it occurred in suspicious circumstances, for example it was unexpected or due to suicide.
Once the death certificate is obtained, the death can be registered. Other duties include funeral arrangements and advising others of the death, especially family and friends, as well as government and state officers to ensure that benefits, pensions or similar credits are not paid out inappropriately.
For more information on what you need to do in the event of someone's death, visit the Directgov website (see further information).
Further information
UK government - Directgov
www.direct.gov.uk
Sources
- What to do after a death. Directgov. www.direct.gov.uk, accessed 7 August 2009
What happens at bereavement counselling?
Bereavement counselling can help you to explore your feelings and come to terms with your grief by talking one to one with a trained counsellor. You will probably attend a number of sessions with your counsellor spread over weeks or months, until you are ready to stop. During these sessions you can talk about how you feel and your counsellor will listen and comment, rather than giving you advice. Bereavement counselling can help to support you through this very difficult time.
Explanation
Counselling is sometimes called a talking therapy. It can help you to explore your feelings and come to terms with your grief in a place where you can talk openly to someone trained to help you. Counselling takes place in private and is always confidential, unless your counsellor thinks there is a serious threat to your life or health or to the life or health of another person. If this is the case, your counsellor might contact your GP or someone else.
You and your counsellor meet, usually once a week, to talk for a set amount of time. The number of sessions you have will depend on what you feel you need.
Counsellors don't give advice as such and they can't tell you what you should do. What they can help you do is to see things more clearly or reassure you that your feelings are normal. Counsellors do this by listening to what you say and commenting on it from their perspective.
During a session your counsellor can help you to explore and express your feelings, talking about them openly in a way that might not be possible with your family and friends. It's easy to bottle up your feelings after a bereavement, especially if you need to 'cope' in order to get back to work or support other family members or your children. These feelings, such as anger, anxiety and grief, can become very intense. Counselling can give you an opportunity to explore them and make them easier to understand. Counsellors see people in your situation often and are used to listening to people who are distressed - they won't be shocked by what you are feeling or by what you say. Many people find it a relief simply to talk to a stranger. Counselling can also provide a safe environment for you to voice your feelings.
Bereavement counselling isn't about exploring your past. Instead, counselling offers help at a specific time when you are going through a major life change and emotional crisis.
Further information
Cruse Bereavement Care
0844 477 9400
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
London Bereavement Network
www.bereavement.org.uk
Mind
0845 766 0163
www.mind.org.uk
Sources
- Psychotherapy, counselling, and psychological treatment in the NHS: FAQs for professionals and service commissioners. The Royal Collage of Psychiatrists. www.rcpsych.ac.uk, accessed 10 August 2009
- What is counselling? British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. www.bacp.co.uk, accessed 10 August 2009
- Making sense of counselling. Mind. www.mind.org.uk, accessed 10 August 2009
How can I find a bereavement counsellor?
Your GP may refer you to a counsellor. Or you can find private counsellors yourself in the phone book or on the internet. It's important to check that he or she is properly trained or registered with a professional organisation.
Explanation
Some GP surgeries have counsellors attached to them and your GP can refer you directly to them. If this isn't available, your GP can also refer you to a private counsellor or voluntary organisation. You can also find private counsellors in the local phone book, libraries and on the internet.
It's very important that you trust your counsellor from the start. You should not feel embarrassed about checking that he or she is properly trained or registered with a professional organisation. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP) are the organisations for counselling. Most counsellors are registered with or accredited by them, but legally they don't have to be.
Further information
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
01455 883300
www.bacp.co.uk
Sources
- Making sense of counselling. Mind. www.mind.org.uk, accessed 10 August 2009
How long will I feel like this?
There is no straightforward answer to this as everyone experiences grief and mourning differently. Coming to terms with someone's death is a gradual process but eventually you will start to move on and make plans for the future. For most people, it takes between one and two years to get over the death of someone close to them.
Explanation
Coming to terms with the death of someone close to you is something that everyone experiences differently. Mourning the loss of someone is a gradual process and it takes time. Some people feel able to move on after a few months, for others this process takes years. It's unlikely that you will wake up one day and find that you have stopped grieving; you are more likely to find that you have good days and bad days - good days when you feel you are moving on and are over the worst and bad days when the grief still feels unbearable.
Eventually you should find that you aren't constantly thinking about the person who has died. When you do think about them you might remember happy times with them as well as feeling sadness. You will also start to make plans for the future. However, sometimes your circumstances can make it harder for you to move on and mean that your grief might take longer to work through. You may find it takes longer to get over the death of a loved one if:
- you didn't go to the funeral or there wasn't one
- you have no support from family, friends or spiritual beliefs
- you have unresolved issues with the person who died
- the death was caused by a particularly difficult event such as an unsolved murder
- the person is missing and it isn't clear exactly what happened, for example after a natural disaster
- you can't go to the funeral or there isn't one, for example if you live far away or aren't acknowledged by family and friends
If you don't feel as if you are moving on and getting better after a couple of years, then see your GP for help and advice.
Further information
Mind
0845 766 0163
www.mind.org.uk
Royal College of Psychiatrists
020 7235 2351
www.rcpsych.ac.uk
Sources
- Bereavement. Royal College of Psychiatrists. www.rcpsych.ac.uk, accessed 10 August 2009
- Understanding bereavement. Mind. www.mind.org.uk, accessed 10 August 2009
I can't seem to move on - could I be depressed?
Feelings of depression are part of the grieving process and for many people they do get better as time goes on. However, some people become depressed and can feel unable to move on from their grief. The symptoms of depression are very similar to those of grieving so if you are concerned about how you feel see your GP for help and advice.
Explanation
Feeling very low, sad and depressed is part of mourning someone who has died. For most people, these feelings of depression are part of the grieving process and after a while they do get better. However, grieving for someone is a process and even though things may still feel very bad sometimes, after time you should feel like you are moving on.
Becoming depressed while you are grieving can feel as though you have got stuck in the grieving process and can't move on. You may not even realise that you are depressed, rather than grieving. In fact, many of the symptoms of grieving are very similar to the symptoms of depression. You might:
- find your appetite and weight changes - most people don't feel like eating and lose weight, but the reverse can also happen and some people eat more and put on weight
- have trouble sleeping - it can take a long time to get to sleep and you might also wake early in the morning
- feel tired and lethargic and feel you have no energy
- find it hard to concentrate and more difficult to make decisions
- feel you have low self-worth
- think about suicide or harming yourself
- lose interest in life - you feel as though you can't enjoy anything or you lose interest in sex
- be irritable and restless
- isolate yourself and start to avoid other people
Depression can become a downward spiral. Once you become depressed, then it's easy to become more depressed about being depressed.
You should always get help if your symptoms don't seem to get any better, if they affect your work life and your relationships or if you start to feel that life isn't worth living.
There are many things that can help with depression, some of which you can do yourself and some of which your GP can help with. The right treatment for you will depend on how bad your depression is. Your GP can help you to decide which is the best treatment for you. See related topics for further information.
Further information
Mind
0845 766 0163
www.mind.org.uk
Mental Health Foundation
020 7803 1100
www.mentalhealthfoundation.org.uk
Sources
- Understanding bereavement. Mind. www.mind.org.uk, accessed 10 August 2009
- Depression. Royal College of Psychiatry. www.rcpsych.ac.uk, accessed 10 August 2009
- Simon C, Everitt H, Kendrick T. Oxford handbook of general practice. 2nd ed. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2005: 968-971
- Understanding depression. Mind. www.mind.org.uk, accessed 10 August 2009
Related topics
This information was published by Bupa's health information team and is based on reputable sources of medical evidence. It has been peer reviewed by Bupa doctors. The content is intended for general information only and does not replace the need for personal advice from a qualified health professional.
Publication date: November 2009
Bereavement factsheet
Visit the bereavement health factsheet for more information.
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