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Improving assertiveness Q&As

Published by Bupa's health information team, May 2009.

Answers to questions about improving assertiveness

This section contains answers to common questions about this topic. Questions have been suggested by health professionals, website feedback and requests via email.

 

Will improving my self-esteem help me to become more assertive?

Yes, if you have low self-esteem, anything that improves it can help you to become more assertive. Similarly, becoming more assertive can help to improve your self-esteem. Some of the main ways to improve your self-esteem are to set yourself goals and challenges, do the things you enjoy and talk about how you're feeling.

Explanation

If your self-esteem is high, you feel good about yourself and the world you live in. You will have an optimistic outlook and feel positive about your life. Because of this the people around you are likely to respond positively. If you have low self-esteem, you feel negative about your life and you might feel depressed. You may see the world as a place where other people treat you unfairly or badly but you feel powerless to do anything about it.

Both high and low self-esteem can lead you into cycles of thoughts and behaviour. This means that if you have high self-esteem, you think and act in a positive way. This reinforces your optimism and leads to further positive behaviour. If you have low self-esteem, negative thoughts and actions can lead you into a cycle of pessimistic thoughts that it can be hard to break out of.

Your self-esteem can be improved by the support and good opinions of the people around you, for example being given a promotion at work. It can be damaged by experiences such as illness or the death of someone close to you. It may also be affected by events that happened in your past as well as what is going on in the present.

There are many things you can do to improve your self-esteem. Some of these are listed here.

  • Look after your physical health. This means eating a healthy, balanced diet, being active and doing regular exercise, getting plenty of sleep and learning to relax.
  • Reduce your stress levels. Try not to get into situations that undermine your confidence or that you can't control. Try to make your home environment as stress-free as possible.
  • Set yourself goals and challenges. These should be things that you have a good chance of being able to achieve. For example, start with something manageable such as taking a 15 minute walk every day. When you achieve your challenge give yourself a reward and set another, perhaps to take part in a fun run.
  • Learn something new, especially if it's something that you wouldn't usually do in your day-to-day life. For example, if you do a physical job, try learning a language or taking up a creative hobby such as painting.
  • Make time for yourself and do more of the things you enjoy. The things that give you pleasure are often things you're good at, so doing them more frequently should help you to feel more empowered. Give yourself regular treats and make time to relax. This will help to remind you that you're worthwhile and deserve to be looked after.
  • Talk to someone about how you're feeling. This could be a friend or family member or someone such as a counsellor or therapist. Seeing a counsellor or therapist may help you to understand your problems and change the way you think and feel. This can help you to develop a more positive attitude and improve your self-esteem.

Further information

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Sometimes I find myself getting angry and then aggressive. What can I do about it?

It's a common mistake to confuse being aggressive with being assertive, but they are two quite different things. It's easy to move from feeling angry to being aggressive and although anger can be positive it can also be harmful and destructive. If your anger is becoming a problem, it's important to get help.

Explanation

Assertiveness and aggression are two different things. If you're aggressive towards someone, you want to dominate him or her and control the situation. If you're assertive with someone, you know what you want and what your limits are but you aren't trying to control the other person.

Aggression can be frightening both for you and for the people around you, and can have a serious impact on your health and wellbeing. It's important to be able to manage your anger so that it doesn't lead to aggressive behaviour.

Anger can be a good thing, helping us to survive. However, it can also be destructive, harmful and lead to violent behaviour. When something or someone makes you angry your body releases a hormone called adrenaline. Adrenaline gives you energy so you're ready to act. Tension builds up and is released when you show your anger - most of the time this reaction is good for you and helps you deal with life's challenges. However, instead of letting out tension in a healthy way you may find that you react aggressively by using violence towards yourself or other people.

If you feel that anger is becoming a problem for you, it's important to get help or find ways to help yourself.

Learning how to express your anger assertively instead of aggressively can help you to manage it. Speak to your GP or nurse for advice and information about local assertiveness training courses or groups. You may also find details of courses at your library or from your local council.

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What does assertiveness training involve?

There are many courses, groups and assertiveness classes so you should be able to find one that you feel comfortable with. Self-help books and resources on the internet can also be helpful if you would rather teach yourself the skills you need.

Explanation

Many adult education colleges and some universities offer this kind of personal development course. They are also available at some workplaces. Your local library or Citizens Advice Bureau may also know of courses or you can look on the internet.

Classes and group sessions vary. What you learn and how you learn it will depend on the teacher and how experienced he or she is, as well as the other people at the sessions. You may be happy in a mixed group or you may feel more comfortable discussing issues with people who are like you. For example, you might want to go to a class that is specifically designed to be useful for those of a similar age or gender.

There is also a wide range of self-help books and information on the internet that can help you learn to be more assertive. Different approaches suit different people so it's worth browsing and looking at a number of different books or resources until you find something that suits you.

Assertiveness training can sometimes bring up memories or feelings that you may find difficult to deal with, perhaps about things that happened to you in your past or the relationships you have with people close to you. Assertiveness teachers vary in their skills and experience, so if you're worried about any feelings or memories that you think may come up, choose a course run by a trained and experienced counsellor or therapist.

Further information

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This information was published by Bupa's health information team and is based on reputable sources of medical evidence. It has been peer reviewed by Bupa doctors. The content is intended for general information only and does not replace the need for personal advice from a qualified health professional.

Publication date: May 2009

 

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