Coping with child death - the grieving process and loss

Impact of the death of a child.

The death of a child is always a terrible thing. The impact of a child's death is often felt very widely and can affect many people including the extended family, school friends and their families, carers and teachers. As with all bereavements it is followed by a process of mourning, which encompasses a wide range of physical and emotional symptoms known as grief.

Is it normal to grieve?

Grief is essential in order to accept the death and carry on with your life. If you do not allow your self to grieve you may keep the symptoms bottled up inside which may cause emotional or physical problems later on. Working through your grief can be very painful but will make a great difference to your future emotional and physical wellbeing. This is particularly important for brothers and sisters of the child.

What are the stages of grief?

There is no right or wrong way to grieve and each person must be allowed to go through their own process with the support of the rest of the family. However, most people experience some of the stages of grief listed below when they are bereaved. It can be helpful to be aware of these stages and remember that intense emotion and swift changes in mood are normal.

Feeling emotionally numb is usually the first reaction to a loss, and perhaps lasts for a few hours or days. In someways, this numbness may help you get through the practical arrangements and family pressures that surround the funeral, but if this phase goes on for too long, it could be a problem.

The numbness may be replaced by a deep yearning for the child who has died. You may feel agitated or angry, and find it difficult to concentrate, relax or sleep. You may also feel guilty, dwelling on arguments you may have had with the child or on emotions and words you wished you had expressed.

This period of strong, often volatile emotions usually gives way to bouts of depression, sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends. During this time, you may be prone to sudden outbursts of tears, set off by reminders and memories of the child.

Over time, the pain, sadness and depression starts to lessen. You begin to see your life in a more positive light again, although, it is important to acknowledge that you may never completely overcome the feeling of loss.

The final phase of grieving is to let go of the child who has died and move on with your life. This helps any lingering depression to clear, and your sleeping patterns and energy levels return to normal.

Following the death of a child parents often feel guilty or responsible in some way, remembering things they wish they had or had not said or done. This is a normal part of the grieving process but if these feeling become overwhelming it may be helpful so seek the advice of a counselor.

Do children grieve in the same way as adults?

Children are aware when a loved one dies, particularly a brother or sister, and they feel the loss in much the same way as an adult. They will go through the same stages of grief but may do so more quickly. Rather than try to protect children it is better to be honest with them about what has happened and about your own feelings of grief. Encourage them to talk about their feelings too.

Children in particular may be frightened by what has happened and express a range of emotions including aggression, inappropriate laughter, withdrawal or clinging. They may also have feelings of guilt about things they said or did, and fears about their own death. You will need to give them plenty of reassurance that they are safe and loved.

How can you cope during this process?

There are many things you can do to help yourself cope during this time. Ask for help and support from family, friends or a support group, and try to express whatever you are feeling, be it anger, guilt or sadness. Accept that some things, like death, are beyond your control.

Avoid making major decisions - your judgement may be off kilter and changes could increase your stress levels. Give yourself the time and space to grieve. By doing so, you are able to mourn properly and avoid problems in the future.

Friends can be a precious source of help and comfort at this time. Allow them to help you, for example, looking after other children, taking them to school or helping with shopping or housework. However, do not let them rush you back into a normal routine. The process of grieving may continue for many months and friends may find this difficult to cope with, particularly if they have not faced a similar sadness themselves.

Remember to keep in touch with your doctor. If you are having trouble sleeping your doctor may be able to prescribe tablets that can help or refer you to a counselor if you feel that you need more help in coping with the loss.

How can you help a family member or friend who is grieving?

The best thing you can do is spend time with that person, and listen to them work through their grief. Avoid saying phrases like 'with time, you'll get over this'. This is false comfort and denies the person their need to mourn properly. Offer practical help, such as cooking dinner or shopping for food - when a person is grieving, it is usually hard to focus on everyday tasks. Finally, if the person is reacting in extreme ways for a prolonged period, encourage him or her to seek professional help.